a probably not b maybe posted by empath at PM on April 1, [ 3 favorites ]. Also, I've had women on okcupid reply back to me months after my last message. Don't sweat it, there are more of them out there. posted by empath at PM on April 1, You're overthinking the problem. She'll reply sometime later if she wants to, and she already responded to you once so clearly she's not completely uninterested. Perhaps she saw the new message notification, went to read it, and is planning to reply later?

That's pretty common I would imagine. Treat it like you would any other type of communication. Replying 30 seconds later looks desperate, but anywhere in the later that day to the few days later range is just fine until you know each better. posted by zachlipton at PM on April 1, I get email notice that I have new okc messages and will sometimes use the mobile site to read a new message.

OKC shows that I've logged on, but I never write responses from my phone - that happens on the weekend when I can log into my home computer. But I want to check the inbox in case a date cancelled, etc. Please don't write a response to a message you haven't seen yet. Otherwise, everything you're saying sounds good. Hopefully you feel better now you've got a load of near-instant askme responses. But I wouldn't worry about this one message.

Because, you know, it's just one message. You happened to be by the computer, so you responded promptly. It would be silly to hold this against you. If I had to make up a rule, I'd say: respond hours after getting a message. Subtext: you're not so insanely busy that you have no time to attend to your personal life, but you're also not that guy who always responds right away. As a disclaimer, this is just my speculation based on my experience as a straight man who uses OKCupid.

Not being a woman, I obviously could be wrong about how women perceive these things. Straight women generally have more luxury than straight men to filter people out based on trivial factors, so, as you know, one can't assume that straight-male thinking is the same as straight-female thinking when it comes to online dating.

But really, I just respond when I get a chance. Since I don't respond to every message within an hour I couldn't -- I'm not constantly on OKCupid , I don't worry about how I might be perceived if I occasionally do. I assume people realize that there are random fluctuations with this kind of thing.

As long as I respond within 24 hours, I don't worry about it. If I find myself taking days to respond to someone's message, I take it as a sign that I'm not actually that interested. posted by John Cohen at PM on April 1, Best answer: A No. B Maybe. C As long as you feel like it. Look, you don't want to send off a bad email because you wrote it quickly and sent it without thinking.

But waiting extra time just to not seem too eager or available or whatever is absurd. No one who's interested in you is going to stop and say "crap, morganw is interested in me and wrote back too soon, fuck that guy," and certainly no one you want to date is going to have that reaction. posted by J. Wilson at PM on April 1, [ 1 favorite ]. I really don't think that appropriate response time is tied to gender so much as it's tied to personality.

So framing this as "will women think this" or "men think that" is misleading. Some people like to reply to things right away, as soon as they see them. They are not the type to overthink and ponder perfect messages. They're likely to be the type to agree to meeting up as soon as possible, perhaps even that same day. There's likely a variable of interest that factors in too--if they like your profile, they'll be more likely to respond quickly.

This is the kind of dater I am when I'm on OkCupid. Some people don't like to appear too eager and prefer to take time to compose a thoughtful message that digs deeper in to someone's psyche.

These are the people who are likely to have more extensive contact before meeting someone and will plan things out far in advance. If someone appeals to them, they may spend even more time planning out their response.

Obviously, there are types in between these two ends of the spectrum. And when people match in their styles, communication is easy and trying to mindread the other person is minimized. When there's a mismatch, there can be a lot of confusion and angst on both ends. In the end, do what you're comfortable doing. If the other person responds well to it, great! If not, then who knows, it might be an indicator that there were fundamental differences in communication there to begin with, and you just saved yourself the time and trouble of finding that out some other way.

posted by Fuego at PM on April 1, [ 1 favorite ]. If you did this 4 times in a row, I might think it was a little eager. I just figured you happened to be online when you get the message. Don't over think it. I know we all do it, but I constantly forget to respond for several days or just can't think of anything clever to say or am too tired to write any kind of vaguely interesting reply.

It doesn't mean I'm not interested. Some people log into dating website once a week or less. Especially on a free site like OKcupid where you have nothing to lose by being a very casual user. posted by whoaali at PM on April 1, If you had waited longer and she hadn't responded by now, you'd be asking us if you waited too long.

There's no way to know what she's thinking. Writing back within the hour is not gross. Formulating a well-thought-out response is not gross. Someone wandering away after just one interaction for whatever reason is unfortunately normal, online and in real life.

posted by hermitosis at PM on April 1, Best answer: One more piece of advice: avoid checking her profile to see whether she's logged on. A few reasons: 1. This has the potential to distort your frame of mind. You do not want to lapse into thinking, "So! She has the time to log on to OKCupid to check out other guys, but apparently she can't be bothered to Don't you have some websites bookmarked that you check so often it's reflexive?

At any given moment when I'm online, I'm likely to head to nytimes. com, but that's not always because I want to read the headlines. Sometimes it's just "I have this computer with internet access in front of me and I'm bored, so I guess I'll go to one of my default sites. You have no way of knowing, so try not to stress about this at all. I have no idea if she's waited a couple days because she's not interested or because she wants to take some extra time to write a good message.

If it's the latter, she might still intentionally log in for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you. Since you haven't even gotten to the first-date stage yet, it's entirely possible she's actively interested in someone else but that you still have a chance with her. Or maybe she just got an email alert with a preview of a message from some random guy, and it's so horribly written that she wants to log in to read the message for a good laugh.

Maybe she just quit smoking and logged in purely to change the smoking field in her profile to "no. posted by John Cohen at PM on April 1, [ 2 favorites ]. Best answer: It would take a pattern of instant enthusiastic responses for me to be freaked out by a short response turnaround time. For example, this would be both classic and alarming: Him, 7am - Hi you seem neat Me, 8pm - blah blah blah Him, pm - YOU ARE SO AWESOME LET ME TELL YOU STUFF Me, 10pm, two days later - blah blah Him, 11pm - STUFF STUFF STUFF YAY YOU Me, 5pm, a week later - blah Him, pm - STUFF STUFF STUFF STUFF I'VE BEEN SAVING UP TO SAY But, if you changed the message to something like "response to blah blah blah" and sent it forty minutes later, I probably wouldn't wait two days to reply.

It's complicated. I am easily smothered. And I mostly get creepy, non-thought-out booty call messages on OKCupid. And I'm not a "you seem neat, let's go out this weekend, person I don't really know" girl. Think about it, but don't over think it. It helps to keep sending out messages to other people. Don't focus entirely on someone awesome in the early stages. I try to wait at least a day to compose a message, so that I have time to calm down and not say something stupid.

But I let freaking voicemail greetings marinate in the same way, so. posted by SMPA at PM on April 1, [ 8 favorites ]. I don't understand this rule you are talking about. What's the point? What's wrong with being excited about communicating with someone and responding quickly? Why play games? Honestly, if I knew the same was going through a potential date's mind while communicating with me, I would be extremely disappointed, because it strikes me as very disingenuous.

If this sounds overly harsh, don't take it personally, since I don't really know you, but consider it a data point when it comes to the kind of mindset that would lead you to overthink the issue as you have.

It doesn't mean I'm not interested. Some people log into dating website once a week or less. Especially on a free site like OKcupid where you have nothing to lose by being a very casual user. posted by whoaali at PM on April 1, If you had waited longer and she hadn't responded by now, you'd be asking us if you waited too long.

There's no way to know what she's thinking. Writing back within the hour is not gross. Formulating a well-thought-out response is not gross. Someone wandering away after just one interaction for whatever reason is unfortunately normal, online and in real life. posted by hermitosis at PM on April 1, Best answer: One more piece of advice: avoid checking her profile to see whether she's logged on. A few reasons: 1.

This has the potential to distort your frame of mind. You do not want to lapse into thinking, "So! She has the time to log on to OKCupid to check out other guys, but apparently she can't be bothered to Don't you have some websites bookmarked that you check so often it's reflexive?

At any given moment when I'm online, I'm likely to head to nytimes. com, but that's not always because I want to read the headlines. Sometimes it's just "I have this computer with internet access in front of me and I'm bored, so I guess I'll go to one of my default sites. You have no way of knowing, so try not to stress about this at all. I have no idea if she's waited a couple days because she's not interested or because she wants to take some extra time to write a good message.

If it's the latter, she might still intentionally log in for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you. Since you haven't even gotten to the first-date stage yet, it's entirely possible she's actively interested in someone else but that you still have a chance with her.

Or maybe she just got an email alert with a preview of a message from some random guy, and it's so horribly written that she wants to log in to read the message for a good laugh.

Maybe she just quit smoking and logged in purely to change the smoking field in her profile to "no. posted by John Cohen at PM on April 1, [ 2 favorites ]. Best answer: It would take a pattern of instant enthusiastic responses for me to be freaked out by a short response turnaround time. For example, this would be both classic and alarming: Him, 7am - Hi you seem neat Me, 8pm - blah blah blah Him, pm - YOU ARE SO AWESOME LET ME TELL YOU STUFF Me, 10pm, two days later - blah blah Him, 11pm - STUFF STUFF STUFF YAY YOU Me, 5pm, a week later - blah Him, pm - STUFF STUFF STUFF STUFF I'VE BEEN SAVING UP TO SAY But, if you changed the message to something like "response to blah blah blah" and sent it forty minutes later, I probably wouldn't wait two days to reply.

It's complicated. I am easily smothered. And I mostly get creepy, non-thought-out booty call messages on OKCupid. And I'm not a "you seem neat, let's go out this weekend, person I don't really know" girl.

Think about it, but don't over think it. It helps to keep sending out messages to other people. Don't focus entirely on someone awesome in the early stages. I try to wait at least a day to compose a message, so that I have time to calm down and not say something stupid. But I let freaking voicemail greetings marinate in the same way, so. posted by SMPA at PM on April 1, [ 8 favorites ]. I don't understand this rule you are talking about. What's the point? What's wrong with being excited about communicating with someone and responding quickly?

Why play games? Honestly, if I knew the same was going through a potential date's mind while communicating with me, I would be extremely disappointed, because it strikes me as very disingenuous.

If this sounds overly harsh, don't take it personally, since I don't really know you, but consider it a data point when it comes to the kind of mindset that would lead you to overthink the issue as you have. Me: mid-twenties male, also on OkCupid, send messages rarely maybe a week?

posted by adahn at PM on April 1, [ 2 favorites ]. Response by poster: Thank you for all the responses. If anything, the message would get shorter if I remove digressions. I am hearing the advice on not overthinking things. The first two responses came in so fast I thought I was being stalked. hamburger it's entirely possible she's actively interested in someone else I am gaining it. posted by morganw at PM on April 1, Cultivate non-attachment.

posted by grobstein at PM on April 1, [ 4 favorites ]. Best answer: I think a huge part of the reason why online dating seems not to work for a lot of people who use it is that people spend SO MUCH TIME not being themselves. They spend SO MUCH TIME thinking about hour-rules, or how to compose the "attractive" or "perfect" message.

They become the perfect FakeSelf, because it's what everyone seems to think they're supposed to do. Then they go on dates with people and continue that pattern of attempting to be the "perfect" and "attractive" FakeSelf, and then wait 72 hours to talk to the person again because that's the rule. At this point, one of two things generally happens: 1 the other person realizes that FakeSelf is prioritizing hour rules and perfect attractiveness over actually being a real person, and realizes that FakeSelf is not attractive or perfect at all, or 2 RealSelf is like, "ew, that was a terrible date and I had no chemistry with this person" Yes!

And it was because this person thinks you are FakeSelf--but you AREN'T really FakeSelf, you're RealSelf, you're just pretending to be FakeSelf! FakeSelf, over time, becomes frustrated and angry at online dating, because gosh darn it, it seems like FakeSelf just puts FakeSelf out there over and over, and nothing ever comes of all that effort.

FakeSelf will never find RealLoveMatchPerson, because RealLoveMatchPerson isn't attracted to FakeSelf at all, because RealSelf is RealLoveMatchPerson's real love match. Get it? I mean, what would it be like if you just wrote what you wanted to write to someone, when you wanted to write it? And then, what if you went out on a date and said what you actually thought and felt about things?!

I responded to the message on OKC from the guy who was being RealSelf from the first sentence. Then when we went out, he was being RealSelf with me. By the end of the night, we had already both SAID OUT LOUD that we really liked each other. I knew I would never have to wait 3 days before he would call me back. I knew I would never have to wonder whether he was playing me while he was actually into someone else.

I knew I would never have to think, "is he just saying that because he thinks it's the right way to respond? or because he knows I like XYZ and wants to act like he likes it too?

Being RealSelf, however, isn't the thing that takes all of the energy and effort--it's being FakeSelf that does. So do the thing that's easier, stop wasting your own time, and just be RealSelf from the beginning.

I reply pretty much as soon as I get a message - otherwise I'll forget. I basically treat the OKCupid message system like email, or facebook, or text messages. I don't use any voodoo or Jane Austenian social codes or whatever. I also don't set any stock in how quickly or slowly anyone replies to my messages. It's really all about what they say. Also about getting to the point and asking me out rather than stringing it along for a million rounds.

Don't care, don't notice, and don't use any special rules for my own behavior. posted by Sara C. at PM on April 1, Well, even if men and women think about things the same way all other things being equal, all things are not equal with online dating. If two people are inherently the same but are in two different situations, it isn't surprising if they act in different ways.

posted by morganw at PM on April 1, [ 1 favorite ]. Nthing don't overthink this. As someone who has been on OkC for a while now, people are often very different in real life than their profiles would seem to indicate. And its not because they are all trying to be deceptive, its just that its very hard to accurately convey who you are via that kind of medium. So don't get too excited about anyone person.

posted by wansac at PM on April 1, [ 2 favorites ]. here's my game: take 5 minutes longer than the person took to respond to you. Easy and done. posted by sully75 at AM on April 2, Am I the only one who finds the whole concept of dating "rules" really stupid?

Why must there be rules?? You don't have special rules for other social interactions, right? If you like the person, ask them out. If you feel like responding, respond. Just be yourself, be honest, and try to have fun with it.

As to the original question, there's no right or wrong answer here. Personally, I just respond to e-mails as I have time, which is generally anywhere from a few hours to days later, and I assume the woman in question is doing the same.

Assuming you have a well-balanced life, I would say sending a response when you have the time is the best approach, just like you would with anyone else. posted by photo guy at AM on April 2, TV Groom needs a gift for his bride Newer ».

A woman named Lottie Henderson has gone viral on social media after sharing the 72 hour dating rule she likes to follow, which helps prevent petty arguments and work out what really matters.

Relationships can be wonderful, but they can at times also be quite hard work - there's bound to be disagreements, hurt and anger. But how can you work out when something is really worth arguing over, or if you should just let it go and not stress?

One woman claims to have the answer and her thoughts have resonated with a lot of people on social media. Taking to TikTok, Lottie Henderson shared her '72 hour dating rule' in a video, explaining how she works out what issues really matter in her relationship. Her video quickly went viral, being watched more than , times and garnering over 55, likes.

Hundreds of people also took the time to comment on the clip, with many thanking her for sharing her words. One person said: "Love this! After 25 my life is so much happier living by this!

However, there were some who shared their own relationship rules, including the 5x5. A fellow user clarified: "Five by five rule. If it's not going to hurt in five years, then don't spend more than five minutes being upset by it. Do you have a dating rule like this? We want to hear all about it. Let us know in the comments below. News UK News US News World News Weird News Real Life More Hopeful TeamDogs In Your Area. Politics Health Crime Royals Money Tech Science. Sport Football Boxing UFC Cricket Rugby Union Rugby League F1.

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In Your Area. Got A Story? News Politics Football Celebs TV Money Royals. Woman shares '72 hour dating rule' that will make life happier for you and your partner. Video Loading Video Unavailable.

Click to play Tap to play. The video will auto-play soon 8 Cancel Play now. Woman Shares '72 Hour Dating Rule' That Will Make Life Happier. Courtney Pochin Lifestyle Editor. In the clip, she explains: "The 72 hour rule, listen up. Follow Mirror. Facebook Twitter. MORE ON Dating Relationships TikTok Viral Love. Get email updates with the day's biggest stories Sign up. We use your sign-up to provide content in ways you've consented to and to improve our understanding of you.

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Paying for boosts might get you more likes, but these are low quality likes from people outside area, age range and interest. posted by whoaali at PM on April 1, MORE ON Dating Relationships TikTok Viral Love. posted by photo guy at AM on April 2, b will she reply? Now Playing Full Body Workout By Celebrity Fitness Instructor Karan Sawhney.

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